sooo why am i so much stupider/unmotivated than i was in high school?

i miss getting A's on papers and acing midterms. College is hard! and all i want to do is drink! haha terrible.

i am obsessed with the format... dog problems=greatest cd of all time.

and it is really pissing me off that i cant upload pictures---i want to put some up of the guatemalan kids! i miss them so much, it aint funny.

i am going to drive to sun valley tomorrow with my friend, its like 12 hours, i am so pumped to get out of this town.

annnnd thats all i have to say.

oh yeah, and question: why do i find PERFECT guys on vacation and never ones who go to school iwth me or live near me? not fair.

and yet i have more to say...

being away from my past (physically at l;easlt) has helped me figure out a lot about myself.

mainly, i am a jealous and insecure person. duuuh i guess, but these two are the roots of all that is wrong in my life. i feel that everyone i meet will leave me, if i am alone in my room that no one likes me, and that if i get left out of some activity than i am a complete loser. There are many pretty girls at school that i am friends wtih and i am used to having gorgeous friends but.. come on, when your college is 65 percent girls... i guess i dont need to explain. whatever, im tired of seeing the same old people, hearing gossip. this is not fucking high school. ahhh i am so sick and i cant sleep so this is rambling but its necessary since the counselors at this school are incompetant and make me feel like a bipolar nutshell. and drunk boys outside are yelling for some guy named homer to wake up. anhhhhh, college.
moral of the story-- i am jealous and insecure. knight

clip clap clip clap clip clap. and so it goes, the song of the high heeled girls clad in mini skirts despite the freezing weather. From my window five floors above the sidewalk, i hear the late night giggles, the gossip of who hooked up with who... the drunken flocks returning to one room or another, be it their own or that of a seductive stranger. It is interesting being up here, for once, instead of down there. "college life" seems so strange until you are completley immersed in it. I never would have understood the concept of girls "pre gaming" and then getting all prinmped up to go out every wednesday, friday, and saturday to get the liquid confidence to talk to cute boys. The guys do it too, they put on their too cool for school attitudes and smile slyly and wrap an arm around her back and say "hey, baby." Its all fine, its all normal. The "aww come on babe just have one more drink"'s and the girls stumbling to the bathroom in groups to check whether that guy they were talking to was cute or if it was just the alcohol talking--this is college for you, kids. Fun for a while. I guess it depends on your outlook, but sometimes I feel that people here are less mature than in high school. probably because we CAN be. Its the time to get all the immaturity out, enjoy having no responsibilities, experience the bliss of the ignorance of what it really means to be out in the world on your own.... is this really so bad?

...maybe im cynical because im sitting in my bedroom sick and not getting any ass.

'if you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame.'

i really hate showering. they didnt used to shower in the olden days in england... they would wait months and then wallow in their own filth in little basins of water. and being fat and pale was also cool. i think i was born in the wrong century and continent.

i am getting boobs, and some padding on my hips, and i am OKAY with it!!! im not really gaining weight... maybe its because all my muscle is turning into fat. but whatever, im starting to look like a woman and not a little boy. i have urges to feel bones, see ribs... but i think about how hideous i looked, objectively i mean. i think i look a lot better now, and that helps me to want to keep eating like i have been.



THIZZZZ FACE

oh, and what the heck does exanimate mean? i guess im feelin it

i know i dont have a lot of friends on here since i was MIA for a while... but i am trying to comment more and i hope you all havent forgotten about me!


in other news:
today i (ditz) left my food journal (which no one knows i have, and in which i log calories with the intention of control/restriction) on the counter after breakfast, WIDE OPEN. completely forgetting, my mom found it and was very upset.
we had a big chat, and this made me realize i'm not as well as i think i am. funny how things seem different when you are caught.
i dont know where to go from here. one month of school, then maybe an inpatient program, though i'm medically stable and not significantly underweight enough for a "normal" one.

i dont know. i just want to be happy. but i CANT give this up


xposted

flashbacks of times i cannot remember, and would rather like to forget.

last fall, my mom and i driving down a tree littered with brightly-colored leaves, marking the beginning of a new season. me crying, beginning to sob now. "i cannot live here. i hate this place. i have no friends, i cant take it, i hate it, i HATE IT!!"
her, shocked, and now i can see why. it came out of nowhere. what i wanted was not to get out of this place, but to get out of MYSELF. it was simply a plea for help of some kind.
but, my parents almost sent me to live with my relatives 4 hours away. looking back, i almost wish that would have happened. but i am a strong believer in God's plan. and though some days i still cannot stand it here and would rather pull my hair out than walk through another day in the life i have come to grow bored to death of, i know the answer is age old: we cannot run away from our problems. besides, i am a senior in high school. these are the best days of my life, right?
ha. i fucking hope not.

so i want to go to a college (dont know where), study international diplomacy, save the world, travel all over doing awesome things and settle down in london, marry an awesome british man, have awesome british children

and get rid of my fucking eating disorder

because i am a smart young woman, thankyouverymuch. and smart young women dont need eating disorders to prove themselves.

one week happier than ever
led so quickly to one week crappier than ever

i cut last night, and i hadnt in so long. i am so ashamed.
i have no will to eat
no will to live
ive been on the verge of tears all week
and it all came out today
and now everyone is sympathetic
i don't want sympathy
i want to be treated normally
NORMALLY
everything is ok
its all ok
leave me alone
but i guess this is my plea for help
obviously im not ok
i cant figure it all out
too much messed up in my head, too much
running around going on
i need some room to breathe
time to figure it all out
no more therapy, PLEASE
NO MORE TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. i dont want to
i want to talk to my friends
they are the only ones who get me
when i dont even get myself

i am relapsing.

really bad

worse than ever

my recent post on ed-recovery made me realize that i really want a job that is NOT baysitting. a job with structure. i can't work a lot, probably just weekends and a few weekdays... but i want to do something. i think it will help me a lot. i love being out of the house, doing stuff. whenever i'm at home, i freaking binge and purge all the fucking live long day. i wouold love to work as a barista or something, but i know i'd have to commit more time that i can right now. other than that, i don't think i could do food service. maybe a store in the mall. hmmmm.. any ideas??

oh yeah, and i've been hardcore looking at colleges. georgetown in my number one choice, but it's sort of a reach. i want to do international relations, thats all i know. im applying to schools on the east coast and so cal, my parents are a little sceptical about being far away (east coast) but i think it will be good for me. i need to get away from this atmosphere of fake people. over there, people are so much more diverse and real!
the coolest major ever... at american univerysitys school of internation defence... INTERNATIONAL PEACE AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION!!!
that is fucking awesome
I WANT TO DO IT!

i was having a real shitty day, and i came home to this letter from one of my couselors from dc camp:

maggie,
i know this is awfully late, but i really wanted to let you know that out of all the students this summer you were one that truly impressed me. it was a joy to have you in my security council group. you added a unique mature perspective to the debate and i appreciated how you egaged with the other students. i see a very bright future for you. kep up the impressive work and enhoy yourself. keep me updated! if you need anything i'm here. thank you and take care.

i had no idea i could impact somebody that much in such a short amount of time. this letter made my day, and helped me to realize that i AM someone. maybe im not as pretty as some people. hell, im not as skinny as some people, but who cares? i can make an impact on people and that is so much more important. i need to remember this more often.

what i have found out about myself recently:

- i have more faith in God than i ever thought i would. And i trust God with all of my decisions, which has been making my life a lot easier and less stressful, and, most of all, more positive.
- my new favorite movie is dirty dancing
- i love the eagles
- i am ok with sitting at home and doing nothing on a saturday night
- i don't need anti-depressents to be happy

eating trail mix, because i couldnt concentrate enough to do my homework.
"its ok, maggie, its ok"
every day getting harder to eat
every day feeling lighter, happier in a twisted sort of way
i don't really know what i want
except to find that something that i'm missing

wow, i never update anymore. just with stupid stuff. i guess im doing ok. well for me, im doing shitty. but compared to how bad it COULD BE, im doing good, i guess one could say. i try to keep it in perspective. im busy, which is good right now. i feel rather unloved by my friends, family, and most of all, the male population. its like last year all over again. im hungry. im going to bed.

hahahahhahahhahahah
dont ask...
this is just really amusing, and wow. i dont even know. and the fact that its "omg clai aicun iz kewl". seriously, it must take so much more time to figure out how to spell words so incredibly wrong than just to spell them right... our youth... its depressing... fuck clay aichin or however you spell his name. haha

wuht r u doying 2nyt
ey weesh ey kuld b uh fli un ur sheet
r u reeli uhlown
steel en ur dreemz
y cunt ey breeng u entu mi lyf
wuht wuld et tayk 4 u 2 c taht eym uhlyv

Ef ey wuz envesabel
Tehn ey kuld jozt wutch u ehn ur rum
eef ey wuz enveensubel
eyd mayk u myn 2nyt
eef hertz wer unbraykabel
tehn ey culd jozt tal u wayr ey stund
ey wuld b teh smartist mun
eef ey wuz enveabel
(wayt, ey ulredi yam.....0)

my therapist had surgery and has been out for over a month. she just called and i realized how much i have missed her. maybe now i wont want to die anymore. maybe....