sooo why am i so much stupider/unmotivated than i was in high school?

i miss getting A's on papers and acing midterms. College is hard! and all i want to do is drink! haha terrible.

i am obsessed with the format... dog problems=greatest cd of all time.

and it is really pissing me off that i cant upload pictures---i want to put some up of the guatemalan kids! i miss them so much, it aint funny.

i am going to drive to sun valley tomorrow with my friend, its like 12 hours, i am so pumped to get out of this town.

annnnd thats all i have to say.

oh yeah, and question: why do i find PERFECT guys on vacation and never ones who go to school iwth me or live near me? not fair.

and yet i have more to say...

being away from my past (physically at l;easlt) has helped me figure out a lot about myself.

mainly, i am a jealous and insecure person. duuuh i guess, but these two are the roots of all that is wrong in my life. i feel that everyone i meet will leave me, if i am alone in my room that no one likes me, and that if i get left out of some activity than i am a complete loser. There are many pretty girls at school that i am friends wtih and i am used to having gorgeous friends but.. come on, when your college is 65 percent girls... i guess i dont need to explain. whatever, im tired of seeing the same old people, hearing gossip. this is not fucking high school. ahhh i am so sick and i cant sleep so this is rambling but its necessary since the counselors at this school are incompetant and make me feel like a bipolar nutshell. and drunk boys outside are yelling for some guy named homer to wake up. anhhhhh, college.
moral of the story-- i am jealous and insecure. knight

clip clap clip clap clip clap. and so it goes, the song of the high heeled girls clad in mini skirts despite the freezing weather. From my window five floors above the sidewalk, i hear the late night giggles, the gossip of who hooked up with who... the drunken flocks returning to one room or another, be it their own or that of a seductive stranger. It is interesting being up here, for once, instead of down there. "college life" seems so strange until you are completley immersed in it. I never would have understood the concept of girls "pre gaming" and then getting all prinmped up to go out every wednesday, friday, and saturday to get the liquid confidence to talk to cute boys. The guys do it too, they put on their too cool for school attitudes and smile slyly and wrap an arm around her back and say "hey, baby." Its all fine, its all normal. The "aww come on babe just have one more drink"'s and the girls stumbling to the bathroom in groups to check whether that guy they were talking to was cute or if it was just the alcohol talking--this is college for you, kids. Fun for a while. I guess it depends on your outlook, but sometimes I feel that people here are less mature than in high school. probably because we CAN be. Its the time to get all the immaturity out, enjoy having no responsibilities, experience the bliss of the ignorance of what it really means to be out in the world on your own.... is this really so bad?

...maybe im cynical because im sitting in my bedroom sick and not getting any ass.

'if you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame.'

i really hate showering. they didnt used to shower in the olden days in england... they would wait months and then wallow in their own filth in little basins of water. and being fat and pale was also cool. i think i was born in the wrong century and continent.

i am getting boobs, and some padding on my hips, and i am OKAY with it!!! im not really gaining weight... maybe its because all my muscle is turning into fat. but whatever, im starting to look like a woman and not a little boy. i have urges to feel bones, see ribs... but i think about how hideous i looked, objectively i mean. i think i look a lot better now, and that helps me to want to keep eating like i have been.



THIZZZZ FACE

oh, and what the heck does exanimate mean? i guess im feelin it

i know i dont have a lot of friends on here since i was MIA for a while... but i am trying to comment more and i hope you all havent forgotten about me!


in other news:
today i (ditz) left my food journal (which no one knows i have, and in which i log calories with the intention of control/restriction) on the counter after breakfast, WIDE OPEN. completely forgetting, my mom found it and was very upset.
we had a big chat, and this made me realize i'm not as well as i think i am. funny how things seem different when you are caught.
i dont know where to go from here. one month of school, then maybe an inpatient program, though i'm medically stable and not significantly underweight enough for a "normal" one.

i dont know. i just want to be happy. but i CANT give this up


xposted

flashbacks of times i cannot remember, and would rather like to forget.

last fall, my mom and i driving down a tree littered with brightly-colored leaves, marking the beginning of a new season. me crying, beginning to sob now. "i cannot live here. i hate this place. i have no friends, i cant take it, i hate it, i HATE IT!!"
her, shocked, and now i can see why. it came out of nowhere. what i wanted was not to get out of this place, but to get out of MYSELF. it was simply a plea for help of some kind.
but, my parents almost sent me to live with my relatives 4 hours away. looking back, i almost wish that would have happened. but i am a strong believer in God's plan. and though some days i still cannot stand it here and would rather pull my hair out than walk through another day in the life i have come to grow bored to death of, i know the answer is age old: we cannot run away from our problems. besides, i am a senior in high school. these are the best days of my life, right?
ha. i fucking hope not.